Madam President, Distinguished Heads of State, fellow delegates, ladies and gentlemen: Once again we welcome you and thank you all for providing us the opportunity to speak concerning matters of the utmost importance to the peaceful nation of Lilliput. We—that is I, Emperor Golbasto the Seventh, Monarch of Monarchs, Delight and Terror of the Universe—have come here today to address the many grievances inflicted on our subjects before the international community. It is our humble desire to make known the many injustices heaped on Lilliput by a certain self-styled “First World Country” that has exploited its greater stature in order to abuse our smaller, but no less illustrious, civilization. Although we Lilliputians are often ridiculed by foreigners—who say that despite our minuscule height we are prone to lengthy speeches—it is our intention to keep this address as precise as possible, hoping that those who hear us may be moved to respond in just as swift a manner.
Before discussing Lilliput’s many grievances, however, we first wish to touch briefly on some of our glorious empire’s achievements, its flourishing culture, and the numerous contributions we have made to the happiness of the world. While some scoff at this claim and passionate conviction, nevertheless it would seem a simple fact validated by history that Lilliput, long before most nations assembled here, developed a sound and lasting institution of government—highly lauded and approved by its own subjects—a government that has ruled with justice and in accordance with the volkgeist of its people many centuries prior to coming in contact with your own various governments. Although it is true Lilliput maintains an inviolable monarchy, something many of the more purportedly “democratic” countries here oppose, still we who have been honored to wear the Crown have always done so in accordance with the laws established in our Constitution, treating the authority vested in us as a duty not to be shirked, even if the job becomes too burdensome. And truly, despite the various factions that have arisen over the centuries in Lilliput, no popular revolt or rebellion has ever occurred on our island—that is, until most recently, but this will be addressed in due time.
As to Lilliput’s architectural achievements, many magnificent cities have been established on our island, chief among these our capital Mildendo—a metropolis replete with the luxurious royal palace; several monuments that rival those of your own nations in design and intricacy if not scale; and several museums housing numerous artifacts and resplendent works of art that—though often overlooked by your own highbrowed critics—are greatly revered by our own subjects as the fruition of a culture several millennia in the making.
It also seems obvious to us that Lilliput’s health care system is one of the finest in the world. The subjects of our illustrious nation live on average eighty-seven point three years, more than even the Japanese. This fact, which is indisputable, does not arise from our smaller stature and thus lower rate of calorie-burning as some biologists theorize, but rather is the direct result of our advances in medicine which have outpaced those of your own nations. We Lilliputians believe all justice is, by definition, social, and so we permit research denied in your own borders on the grounds of individual rights. Genetic research in Lilliput has provided all sorts of medical and scientific advances not yet enjoyed in your own countries. We began with stem cell research, cloning cells, but have since developed models that make Watson and Crick look like enormous trolls with toysets. We Lilliputians consider our civilization more advanced, more elegant, and—from a scientific perspective—much more efficient than any of yours will ever be. But not only have our biological sciences surpassed your own, we have also launched satellites of incredible design and sophistication into the stratosphere despite the fact they have suffered from the interference of your own satellites, which being larger invade our more subtle frequencies and render ours quite useless.
Still, despite this cultural disadvantage, there are aspects of Lilliputian society that have spread abroad to enrich the lives of countless of your own citizens. Chief among these is the Farastari religion, which developed in Lilliput only in the last century but since has gathered millions of adherents across the globe. Farastari grew out of a longstanding schism in ancient Lilliputian religion, between the Big-Endians and Little-Endians, a split that would in-itself require an exhaustive discourse to elaborate but—when boiled down to its essence—was chiefly caused by disagreements over which end of an egg should be cracked before cooking. Since these arguments between the two sects stemmed from opposing interpretations of admittedly vague scripture, the Farastarian religion began as a radical ideology that rendered the entire orthodox dogma irrelevant through divine revelation. A prophet arose, a certain Snilpall Sesalias, who claimed to have received a direct vision from heaven that informed him no eggs should ever be broken or eaten again, as the egg was considered a holy object worthy of veneration. When the final World-Savior came, He too would be born of an egg. Indeed, the universe itself exists in the form of an egg. “Farastarian” means “Egg Lover” in Lilliputian, you see.
Still, such revolutionary doctrine would never have spread in Lilliput if not for the way it was able to grow out of other, more firmly rooted tenets of an ancient faith—especially considering the fact that the egg was a cherished part of our cuisine. Still, though Sesalias forbade all egg-eating, he also stated that when the World-Savior hatched, the small would become tall, whilst the tall themselves would be cut down in size. This notion has for a long time been at the heart of Lilliputian morality, for as it is written in the elder scriptures, “it is the miniscule of earth who achieve the most immense reward in heaven.” Most foreigners who convert to Farastari believe such language metaphorical—but among we Lilliputians these words are understood in a strictly literal sense. Undoubtedly this was part of the Farastari religion’s charm, what caused so many Lilliputians to give up the joys of eating not only eggs but also any egg-born creature, lest it be the World-Savior in disguise. Strange as it sounds even to us, when the Farastari spread abroad, it was championed by the international vegan movement, which latched with fervor onto the faith and either totally forgot or never understood its innate, unspoken principles. It is odd for Lilliputians to see the Farastari faith coupled with veganism because Lilliputians love meat, especially beef, and use it in all our dishes. Even Snilpall Sesalias lauded beef as the holiest of foods in his ode to the cow.
Last but not least there are our world-famous Rope-Dancers, celebrated across the globe for their perilous acrobatic feats on filaments so fine as to be all but invisible to the non-Lilliputian eye. Our Rope-Dancers bring wonder and delight everywhere they perform, while at the same time spreading the Farastari religion. Indeed, Farastari has become the chief inspiration underlying the risks many Rope-Dancers take on an almost daily basis as they swing from their ropes, defying death on a jumbo-screen. Although less than half of all Lilliputians have converted to Farastari, among the Rope-Dancers the religion has become something of a cornerstone. Many of the world’s crowds pack auditoriums not only to see them perform their daredevil stunts, but also out of reverence for their severe moral austerity. Lilliputian Rope-Dancers have even become icons of world pop-culture, however minor, and this has been a great boon for Lilliput—especially since the embargoes imposed on us brought all our other international economic exchanges to a halt.
This provides us with the perfect segue back to the original purpose of this speech, which is to reveal the true source of the plight recently inflicted on our wonderful Lilliput. This anguish has been brought about by one of the larger, more powerful countries represented here which has used its size and influence to strengthen its government and richest citizens directly at the expense of our subjects. We will not name this country directly—for its very name is profanity on our lips—but we will mention that it is precisely the same nation that always blusters it abhors inequality and desires honest relations with just and principled governments the world over. Indeed, this nation’s ambassadors have recently used this stance as a smokescreen for naked imperialist aggression on Lilliputian soil—
Oh, do we hear you whispering to your colleague, Mr. Jones? Do you not realize your whisper is like a roar to us? You may accuse us of being shrill, but this shrillness is merely the result of these microphones which do not accommodate our voice—given that we are only six inches tall, you see. Besides, we have a feeling you would be even more high-pitched than we are now if you had to stand by as the social fabric of your nation was torn to shreds by the machinations of an evil empire.
The truth is, Lilliput had no dealings with the outside world until three centuries ago, when the Man Mountain Gulliver first washed up on our island. But even after this momentous encounter, we remained for the large part isolated until about fifty years ago. Aside from the incredible skills and dexterity of our Rope-Dancers, what drew foreigners to our soil was our cattle, which being of a more modest size like all Lilliputian creatures became a delicacy in Western cuisine—where entire Lilliputian cows were battered and eaten whole, bones and all. Since Lilliput wanted to engage the rest of the world, drawing out of isolation and rising to a position of respectability on the international level, we ordered our subjects grow more and more of these cattle, even going so far as to form a company that genetically enhanced and cloned these cows. This last decision was made as there are only so many Lilliputians while the worldwide demand for Beefy-Bits™— as these battered cows came to be known—kept escalating through the roof. Yet despite the strains of meeting this demand, forming the Royal Beefy-Bits Company® was a shrewd idea—for it was not long before profits began pouring into the royal coffers and trickling throughout Lilliput, so that often were the days we awoke to see our subjects crying and laughing at once with joy outside the palace, celebrating our just reign with parades and dances.
But this very prosperity eventuated in all Lilliput’s recent woes, for it was only after this wealth began accumulating that foreign investors began demanding Beefy-Bits™ stock go public, not only for the Crown’s profit—even though we, as His Imperial Majesty, are the living embodiment of Lilliput and the only authorized arbiter of such funds. Perhaps this would not have been too great a problem, but the Trojan horse had already entered the city, so to speak, in the form of businessmen who had already signed trade and distribution agreements with the Royal Beefy-Bits Company®. As associates, I awarded them honorary citizenship, and a few even married into our own royal bloodline! But though these merchantmen acquired much money and honor among us transporting these goods, it was not enough to satiate their gluttony. One scheme they attempted involved the theft of some of our cattle, which they “lost” during transportation in a seastorm and then tried to grow in other lands. This plot failed, naturally, for Lilliputian livestock cannot be transplanted and raised elsewhere—nor have any outsiders discovered how our cloning technology works.
But since these foreigners’ greed was only intensified by this failure, they next approached the royal palace with a list of grievances entirely concocted by themselves which they convinced a few easily misled Lilliputians into testifying were true after promising them wealth and power. Waving this mockery of a document before us—and nearly blowing us from our august throne in the process!—these fiends accused the Royal Beefy-Bits Company® of mistreating its workers and us of abusing our own subjects! These traffickers in deception even had the audacity to propose a new Constitution, a Constitution that would effectively strip the Crown of authority and put power in the hands of a proposed “Committee” under their own naked influence! How could any self-respecting Emperor respond? We had these Men Mountains seized at once by our royal guards equipped with dartguns that target the nervous system. And after being bound and gagged, they were immediately deported. As for the subjects they corrupted, we ordered them executed forthright in accordance with our ancient laws—for no crime is considered more harmful than Fraud among Lilliputians. Ask any farmer in Lilliput, or any former Beefy-Bits™ factory worker.
But when these executions were televised via our satellites, a few images were siphoned off and leaked on the internet, causing an uproar among several foreign human rights advocates who claimed such public head-chopping barbaric. But what do they know of Lilliputian customs, which consider beheading ordained? Especially as many of these human rights advocates hail from the same country as the covetous businessmen we deported and who—avaricious as ever, only now more indignant—returned to their capital to begin lobbying, pushing for an intervention in Lilliput and defaming us, mighty and just Emperor Golbasto, calling us a dictator who held back our country’s true potential for “growth”! Can you believe the audacity of such a wording, which by its very construction is designed to scorn and humiliate? But a few of their representatives responded in sympathy with their ploy, even going as far as to say Lilliput’s “petty despotism” posed a serious threat to world democracy—peaceful, water-locked Lilliput! But after assisting in the spread of these preposterous claims, their government secretly ordered operatives to land on our island and assassinate us, that is I, beloved Emperor Golbasto—
You snicker, Mr. Jones, as if all our words were propaganda. But suffice to say we have evidence your government was behind this failed invasion, evidence gathered by intelligence agents in your capitol too small to be detected, all posing as Rope-Dancers who were able to spin and twirl down your window-drapes into your bureaus’ offices where they discovered the documents now appearing on the projector screen behind us—documents that outline in detail Operation GOROSAURUS! Here, highlighted in yellow, all can clearly discern your President’s signature approving the invasion under lines reiterating the necessity of “squashing” Golbasto and “exterminating” Lilliput’s venerated aristocracy!
Ah, we see you paling, Mr. Jones. What has happened to your famous sense of humor? How much Beefy-Bits™ stock were you promised, I wonder?
But to get back to the point: these black-ops soldiers landed on the beach in Lilliput just outside the Beefy-Bits™ headquarters and its main factory in the Bay of Glasfu three months ago. But what disguises did these men and women think could hide them, when their very footsteps were like thunderclaps? They took the factory first, knowing its strategic importance and planning on using it as a base of operations, but almost immediately they were cut off by our own troops, who had already fortified the bay after being informed of their plot by intelligence, as though we would not have detected these Men Mountains crashing around, trying to hide behind hills. Surprised by our counterattack, they entrenched themselves further in the factory, and there like terrified and overgrown children huddled and shouted as our arsenal exploded around their waists.
Sensing defeat, these invading forces lit the Beefy-Bits™ factory on fire, destroying our main source of food production. But this act of government-sponsored terrorism was not enough, and hoping to demoralize the Farastari among our army, they hurled chicken eggs on our soldiers which they had brought for this very purpose. Many Farastari officers were understandably enraged, and—despite our own explicit orders, since we wished to have these troops tried by the International Criminal Court—they had them dartgunned and killed at once, using a saw for cutting trees for the beheading. This provoked outburst is the reason behind the notorious headlines in July which ran with photographs of Lilliputian troops marching over these dead soldiers—photos manipulated by your “free-press” into “absolute proof” Lilliput’s government is devoted to a “small-minded violence.” To think so many people staring directly at such bald truth can be deceived by a simple caption!
Ever since this blatant assault and violation of international law, Mr. Jones’ government has resorted to the only two weapons still in its grasp, one being its financial system, which has—like the overfed, poisonous spider it is—woven its way all through the world’s economy and now claims it is “too big to fall”—as if it will not only fall the harder, taking everyone else tied to them or below them down too! Mr. Jones’ government has thus enforced an embargo on us, as well as resorting to a nonstop media blitz portraying Lilliput in the worst possible light, even going so far as to distort the Farastari religion by riling up vegans who have adopted the faith and making it seem as though we, pious, devoted Golbasto, have this whole time been forcing a forbidden practice on our people—that is, raising cattle for the slaughter! How are we to even approach such a deceit? And yet these foreigners repudiate us for humanitarian crimes and claim Lilliputians who remain loyal to the Crown have fallen away from the true faith! When several Rope-Dancers spoke out against these misrepresentations recently, they were barred from performing in many cities when Man-Mountain vegans arrived in hordes to protest their “perversion” of the faith. The Rope-Dancers almost got trampled by these so-called peaceful protesters! What vicious irony!
Perhaps what we find most shocking, however, is the fact that this joint assault by the media and economic forces is proving effective even in our own borders, as these near-hypnotic twenty-four-hour broadcasts have interrupted and tapped Lilliputian satellites, and now a number of our most uneducated subjects—also starving from your embargo—have begun stirring with resentment, hearts embittered, even rebellious. While a vast majority of Lilliputians do not harbor such criminal thoughts, a few dissidents have demanded that we abdicate or Lilliput will never see its situation improve. Further, their ranks swell in number as the enforced poverty on our island becomes more entrenched. But how long will this lunacy persist before someone stands forth to help us? Who will be, as you say, “the bigger man?” In Lilliput, we depict Lady Justice as having six eyes: two in front, two in back, and one on each side—all so she cannot be swindled. It is no wonder your own nations view her as blind. Will none of you open your eyes before it is too late?
After we sit down, Mr. Jones plans on coming up here to attempt to persuade you all into forming a coalition against our illustrious, besieged empire on the basis of shared principles of justice, freedom, and self-determination. His government has already succeeded in getting you to submit to their embargo, so what will happen next? What is Lilliput to do if such a coalition is assembled? Surrounded on all sides by enemies, our country’s economic center in ruins, our primary religion deformed and defamed beyond all recognition and used against us—we can do nothing but appeal to you, our fellow delegates, witnesses to these atrocities, and say: it is the will of Lilliput and its patriots to withstand the menace of this foreign tyranny—which is the true tyranny—and to defend our native traditions, if need be to the death. We will fight Mr. Jones’ government and its lies on our own soil if necessary and we will strike against it anywhere and everywhere it opposes us, until, in good time, the larger nations with their brute strength and vast resources will step forth to assist us. How long will their madness continue to mock us? When will their unbridled audacity be reined in? Even if no one comes to our aid, we swear we shall never surrender. Even now Rope-Dancers are poised all around this building and around the world in various capitals to strike with a lethal virus-bomb any who threaten our independence. You have been infiltrated throughout. Do not force our hand. Would you hear the mouse’s roar?
Thank you, thank you all. And may the Great Egg hatch, and the World-Savior bless us all.